Cats would likely be the best bike racers of all the animal kingdom. Sure other animals have greater strength, perhaps greater speed, better power output, better listening and responding skills and better physiology for riding a bicycle, but house cats would still dominate road bike racing both domestically and internationally. Whe I say cats I mean I mean domesticated cats: little kitties, kitty cats, house cats, pets, not the big cats like pumas or silver panthers. The obvious attributes for kitten racers are agility, timing, incredible balance and sense of position mid-air. Cats can pounce as well as any other animal, always a good indicator of acceleration and explosiveness. The feline endurance mentality is second to none, proving that the mind is strong and confident. Patience and an overwhelming distaste for losing round out the cat’s powerful capabilities in pro-peloton prowess.
When you think of what makes a great racer the aforementioned qualities are always listed. When studied in the context of the feline bike racer, the importance of patience, confidence and disdain for defeat become intensified. Imagine the kitten in training (looks fun, doesn’t it?). Energy levels are high and focused. When the session is finished recovery begins immediately; a few bites of kibble or fish smelling can-filler (maybe a little treat if the workout was particularly intense. A few licks of peanut butter or some “fully loaded” potato chip crumbs usually suffice), several dozen laps of water and a nap with legs up, out and sideways, eyes closed within seconds. Because of the kitten’s young muscles and high resting heart rate, they are able to workout and recover numerous times a day without fear of burnout or overtraining.
Cats rarely have to target endurance in the training as they are seemingly born with it. Most studies indicate that their mental fortitude outperforms their physical durancy. This makes for more productive training as it is always easier to tune the engine than overcome the mind. Often to keep their synapses firing efficiently the feline racer with cross train in creative venues, much like Team Saxo Bank’s famous survivalist training camps. As an example, a cat will assume the ready but unwilling position on a table next to the clock radio with a cable antenna. Seated in proper kitty posture (as seen in the photo) with both front paws next to each other in perfect symmetry and tail draped over top, the kitty begins the session. At first the feline will nonchalantly note its surroundings and then begin to test the properties of the cable antenna. Being roughly 24 inches of plastic coated wire, the antenna reacts differently than strings when provoked by the kitten’s paw. The outside front paw will reach over to the antenna and hopelessly try to scoop it up without the aid of opposable thumbs. The antenna usually slides through the tiny kitten digits but sometimes, especially when claws are available, the antenna is picked up and regarded at closer range. The kitten’s mind runs several levels of thought, recognizing the antenna’s foreign feel in the paw, its lack of odor and taste, and its rigid movement throughout. The kitten’s internal monologue obfuscates the unnecessary and thoroughly reasons with if-then statements. “If I pull the cable laterally then it moves as a whole and drags slowly across the table’s edge. If I pull at it three times in succession then the cable jostles more mellifluously. If I stare at it then it does not move.”
The beauty of feline racing preparation is in the fact that it will occur without obligatory provocation. The kitten is born with a deep passion for the beautiful machine and the beautiful sport. And while it takes its preparation and performance seriously, the cat will never dwell on its accomplishments or defeats. It will race proudly throughout the year, never focusing too intensely on a single event but always recognizing its strengths. Kittens prefer simple race machines and often turn an uninterested eye to modern technological advancements. The pure pleasure of preparation and performance is what makes the kitty the dominate animal in the cycling world.
