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photo by Ethan Furniss

2011 Best of List.
• Being able to say “This year, it goes to 11
• See #1. What more do you need?

I missed my chance to put together my own 2010 year-in-review. I had opportunity to throw my hat in the ring with some of the best bloggers and cultural critics that world has ever known. There are a few Lo-Fi IT band singles I wanted to pass on, and of course I was planning on putting together an exhaustive list of the best 2010 Celebrity Tweets, but that bird has flown. That white dove, the once promising hope of 2010 — now sullied and dirtied by time — takes its leave, struggling against the prevailing winds of time on plumage once pure, now the wet and ashy white of a roadside snow. In its place a new hope takes flight, spreading its powerful yet naïve wings a chance for all of us to be born again. Let us attach our aspirations to this green infantile year, this is the year that everything changes, this is the year that EVERYTHING changes.

New years resolutions are a thing to consider, though I am not a person who pours himself a new slab of concrete on New Years Day. A first slab that my foot would rest upon each time I venture out of my home. The slab, that as it dries, I set upon with a porcelain letter opener, a letter opener that has been passed down through 5 generations of von Hoetzendorff men, carving the strict canon for the coming year so that never shall I exit my abode with out the stone reminder of my annual responsibilities. I am not the man you will see guarding such an etched and drying testament from the petty vandalism of the neighborhood delinquents, pepper spray at the ready while I sit quiet in the bitter winter air, tense in my camp chair, sipping a thimble of sherry, waiting for mineral and time to conspire in the no less than alchemical process that will create the years testament. Nor am I the kind of person you will find amidst a pile of slag and scree, the dim weight of a sledgehammer in hand, gasping between bouts of fury and sobs of both joy and despair, demolishing the obsolete aspirations of a year passed. That is not me, I am not that guy, I do not even know that guy. I do not know how to pour concrete.

My resolutions tend towards the theoretical, each relying upon a varying amount of if/then conditionals to bring about their fulfillments with each of these conditionals determined abstractly by their predecessor. The inception of these logic chains I can only loosely claim as my own, if claim them at all and in this way my resolutions have some inherent wiggle room. They exist on a continuum and at the end of the year I step invigorated into the eye of the next annum, buoyed by my accomplishments.

I have my moments of doubt, the sliding scale type of resolution has a terrifying backhand and what once seemed completely manageable can — in a blink of an eye — rear back on hind legs and punch with animal abandon. To get it across another way, the best resolutions are the ones where all angles are covered. Where the ins and outs have all been accounted for. Where from day one you know what you stand to lose. You might say I am hedging my bets and I would agree, this is my new year. Like a born again fresh out of rehab after running his thirties through a hand cranked washing machine of virtual self-immolation.

On the first of the year we are all given a fresh start.

With that in mind I have put together a list of humble resolutions. If you are inspired in some way by these remember we all have different criteria for what we can accomplish. For most of you, what I have set out to do this year is simply unattainable. It is ok, your eyes are just too big, and through the virtue of my limitless magnanimity I have set out to warn you ahead of time. In short — here are my 7 for 11.

• Submit the currency redesigns the Treasury Department has been pestering me about.

• Finish Pi

• Climb Mt Everest, the right way.

• Convince the Bald Eagles who roost in my backyard that the rest of the world needs their splendor.

• Try to have an appreciation for what it is like to play below the rim.

• Find the words to describe the subtleties of each and every color to a blind person.

• Find some ME time.



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